Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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