im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
