Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
