they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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