he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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