You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
