Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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