So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
