Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
