i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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