Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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