Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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