she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
