Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
