i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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