If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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