So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
