I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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