We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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