Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
