you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
