So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
