at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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