But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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