all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
His nipple licking is glorious
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