I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
