Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
