So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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