Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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