Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
