Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
