I hate all girls vehemently.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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