I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
