Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
