im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She needs sedatives and a leash
You can't just leave with hair like that
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
