Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You made out with two different species that night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
