I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
