can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
