You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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