She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
