I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
