apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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