$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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