theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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