If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
