There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Your cock deserves a montage
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
