Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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