remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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