I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
