You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
